mero sano sansar

I explore.

Leave a comment

Feel the feelings

We have our emotions stuck in a notion of happiness. There is nothing wrong in being happy but unfortunately, it does have other friends who are part of our life. As I write this, the movie ‘Inside Out’ is playing in my head and I am picturing all those characters in my words. It is one of those movie which is just as informative to adults as the children.

I have experienced emotions in both spectrums, from highest to lowest. It sucks to feel either of those but there is something that can be done to help manage emotions. We celebrate happiness but if we are sad, angry, upset, and many other range of feelings, we are often asked to forget and move on. We are never taught as children to manage our emotions and as an adult, it interferes so much in our life. While I was going through depression, I was asked by many to feel positive and be happy. I totally understand they were trying to help but then, I was basically an empty person who had little to no interest in life or anything. But there were few, who asked me to try embracing my feelings and reminded we don’t require anyone’s validation to feel.

Embracing emotions sounds easy but is a struggle in reality. It takes sometime to understand and actually implement it in life. It is important to accept and embrace our emotions but we should be wary to not let it take over us. From my personal experience, the more we run away from our emotions, the harder it makes for us to get out if it. I believe it is must to understand that it is absolutely okay to feel whatever we are feeling and that, we are meant to. If we were to only feel happy, I doubt our life would be interesting and surprising the way it is now. There are days when I feel bad, whether it is because of someone else or just myself but at those times I don’t question myself, I don’t prove myself anything in my head but rather accept that I am feeling bad for whatever reason that is. Expressing ourselves never makes us bad or loser but is a perfect way to healing and understanding ourself in daily life.

Bottom line, the less we feel the need to validate our emotions, the better it is for ourselves and everyone around. All these emotions helps us express ourself. On saying that, this writing in no way encourages to chase after negative emotions but rather practise on understanding ourselves better. Let all those feelings come and just feel it and lets stop reacting against it.

emotions(Source: Google Images)

Leave a comment

‘After the rain, comes the sun’

After a long time, the doctor finally validated the reason behind my suffering. It has been quiet an adventure. I had no hope that I would make it out of that dark place but like a little child who refuses to give up when s/he is learning to walk, I did the same. Mental illnesses are very scary. They take away your identity, they make you numb and helpless. It all started with a panic attack, then anxiety, depression, impulsivity at its peak and the reason behind that, Bipolar Disorder.

My mind would be on a constant run making my life so miserable and myself impatient. There were times when I attempted self harm, it wouldn’t be wrong to say suicide. It got to a point when I had destructive thoughts not limited to myself. The burden was so heavy and with that constant race of thoughts in my head, even breathing was an effort.I was bombarded with preconceived vague assumptions about the reason behind my illness but there were few who stood by me regardless my sick self and supported me which was what I needed the most then.

I am gathering the mess my life has been bits by bits and today, I stand with courage in the face of mental illness with all the support I can afford/have. Honestly speaking, I no longer feel those few years were the darkest period of my life, in fact I think about that time over and over again. It has changed me as a person, has made me kind, non-judgemental and a bit too much emotional. It has made me appreciate life, the beautiful things around and most importantly has taught me to be a nice human being.

I have come to an acceptance after a long time that it was there, it went out of control which is when it got diagnosed and finally after that part of struggle, it is manageable but it will always be there. I read it once somewhere,’ everything will be more than okay’ and since then, it has been my mantra. It feels surreal because I don’t know how and when but somehow everything started getting back into the track and here I am today saying it aloud to everyone out there,’ Never lose hope, everything will be more than okay’.


Wedding musings

I was waiting for a right time to write this till now. Finally as a graduate I can now (YAYY! for completing a degree). Seeing all these photos of extravagant weddings make me nothing but sad. I am genuinely happy for you but seeing you celebrating ‘the milestone in life’ which you achieved doing nothing just seems pointless. Let’s have a real talk here now, the guy/girl you are marrying is probably the one you were in relationship with or is someone your parents arranged for you to get married to. Yes, being attracted, falling in love and all that dating might have taken some effort but isn’t it normal for people to get attracted to each other? And you automatically do things for them or say for yourself because that makes you feel good. I am not against wedding really, but seeing this unnecessary dramas and expenses in wedding which often leaves parents in debt makes me wonder if that lehenga or jewellery or whatever you wanted so badly is worth anything?

People my age give me this big talk of having a big fat wedding because its once in a while and honestly, I wouldn’t be writing this if you were to spend your hard earned money over spending your parent’s money recklessly. On top of that, I don’t understand why aren’t we celebrating or prioritising real achievements in life, like getting a degree, securing a job that you wanted to, or the promotion you get or the venture you started is successful. Isn’t that the real achievement? You actually have to work off your ass off, without saying day and night to have that result unlike wedding. Yes, weddings are important but instead of wasting money on all that extras and all those things that will hide somewhere in your cupboard for rest of life, can’t we just do something simple? The unnecessary want to show off of who’s got what and ‘I can do better than them’ feeds nothing but negativity in society and the coming generation. And giving all that stress to family for nothing doesn’t make us any good person either.

I might sound like anti-cultural, anti-weddings or whatever but standing up and voicing out for what I believe is wrong, then be it because I won’t probably be shamelessly taking a piece of a furniture as a gift from my parents when I get married. 25 years ago, when my parents got married, my mother was sent off to my father’s home with bed, wardrobe, dressing table and someone I know who got married couple of year back had the same thing. It clearly is a dowry, not a gift. When I opposed to why they were sent off with all those and why didn’t the bride and groom oppose it, I just received an answer that it was important. Seriously, in this age, if I cannot even stick to my own words of being against dowry or simply not being able to afford something as basic as such, that raises a serious question, am I ready to take on responsibility that comes with getting married? The answer is No! In this competitive world, if you don’t even have that source yet to take care of yourself and your family, how can one do for two families?

My thoughts may never resonate to you and I might just be labelled as ‘wanna-be’ but this seriously doesn’t bother me, not even a bit. I believe in celebrating hard work and weddings, birthdays equally not by giving my family a headache and most importantly not doing things to pleasure the world but myself and my loved ones who mean the world to me.

(P.S. I am totally up for wedding anniversaries though because that takes a great deal of time, commitment, compromises to be together.)



Is Nipol even a word?

Another day, another rant!

I have been venting out a lot lately and this time its about the ‘wannabe’ pronunciation. Fortunately, I had the chance to volunteer and spend a year with people from Afghanistan with very little english. I worked as a volunteer teacher and besides the linguistic barrier we had, it was the best time of my life and the experience is something I will never forget.

The first and foremost thing I told was to be themselves while communicating i.e. speak confidently while expressing themselves. I kept reminding them English is our second language and as long as you are morally correct and that someone understands you, it is a great job considering the fact that most of them had never been to school or had dropped out very early. Fluency and being able to communicate properly matters not the fake pronunciation that we do to make us sound nothing but stupid. Pardon me for saying that, for everytime I hear a Nepali saying ‘Nipol’ or ‘Catmandu’, I just don’t understand why do they do that. Yes, you might argue people from other nationalities won’t understand but hey! I haven’t came across a single person who didn’t understand my clear and correct pronunciation for it. The fact is, there is a vast difference in the alphabets, sounds and the way our brain has adapted in process of learning a language which makes it harder for people to correctly pronounce some words. Taking an example of a Chinese surname, Zhang. As a speaker of both Nepali and English I simply say ‘Jhaang’ but in reality its ‘Jaang’ a bit more nasal which is very hard for me. It wasn’t till too long that I said ‘jalapeno’ for jalapeño instead of ‘halapeño’. The main ideation is there are hundreds of languages around the world and it is very normal for people not being able to get it correct the native way. But on saying that, as a native Nepali speaker if I start twisting my tongue around to make my words sound fancy, that is a problem. Embrace the authenticity, accept if you are wrong and most importantly don’t forget this differences is what makes up special.

Bottom line, Nepalese stop making Nepal sound like Nipple!

1 Comment

Respect teachers, not!

Recently watched a program how a good teacher changes ones life and read a news about how students are punished to death by teachers in Nepal. That made me want to write about all these wonderful (not) teachers I was unfortunately student of in Nepal.

The teachers I have come across in life, minus few who I will remember and respect forever, are nothing but a nightmare. Male teachers touching and holding a girls hand while handing out papers, giving extra marks just because she is a girl to sexually harassing and ridiculing them as an object amongst their peers. Favouritism seems to more inclined towards female teachers that I have come across. To avoid gender stereotype, I will be writing about teachers in general because that is what defines them.

I have been punished many times as a young girl. From asking take off skirt/pants, slaps and what not for a simple mistake of achieving only 80% and forgetting few bits of maths formulae. One of the instances, while I was in Year 12 living in college, few friends and I gathered in room to share some naan/tarkari as there was a power cut off at around 11, out of nowhere a teacher came in and gave us unnecessary punishment of writing answers to some 5 questions and submit by 6 in the morning while he was having good sleep. All of us were awake all night, feeling upset about getting punished. Who on fucking earth punishes some teenagers for eating food in a room? If we were doing drugs or something, yes thats complicated but naan. That is just one example but there are worse. The cultural, societal values surely shapes ones perception but seriously what can we expect in a country where nothing works, one opts to be a teacher. On saying that, not all teachers are same. Infact, I have come across really wonderful teachers in life and they really cared about us as students and were passionate about what they were doing. Anyone can be a teacher really, whether if they do education degree at uni or just join a school like in Nepal but to be a good teacher takes a lot. Don’t punish or ridicule them, there is solution to everything. If these teachers don’t want their own child to be bullied, sexually harassed, ridiculed for being weak and getting punished for nothing, who gives them the right to do the same to others?

Leave a comment


Every time I hear someone bullshit about what women/men should do, behave in a way and all, it boils my blood. I opt for writing over arguing with whoever that is because there is no point in trying to explain. On saying that, the recent thing I heard from a ‘well educated’ person living in Australia he didn’t wanted to marry Nepali women living here because ‘they are skilled and educated just like any other person’. What a pathetic thought is it of the person. Such a vague statement coming from an educated person really made me realise, migrating doesn’t necessarily mean a person will think from a broad spectrum rather feed their narrow mind with all these conservative thoughts.

I find it rather upsetting that we don’t hold ourselves back whenever its about online voting to make women like Anuradha Koirala, Pushpa Basnet, Mira Rai (to name a few) who have proved themselves in the international diaspora but when its about the women in our family, we put them back in that golden cage. Hypocrites! I call them. Belonging to the era when people are embracing their sexuality, where people have proved themselves based on their capabilities not genders, it is unfortunate that we still choose to live in that sad part where we enforce behaviours, thoughts on gender. Sometimes I think, penis and vagina looks different but its a body part similar to all rest of our body parts made up of those cells,tissues alike.

On saying that, women aren’t all that victim that we pretend to be. Infact, we are the ones against us. I have heard some women bad mouth their husbands and female friends because they couldn’t live up to the society’s gender stereotype. Honestly, seeing any househusband makes me feel so good and I respect those people who chose to do what they are good at. It is time to be progressive not just with words and in social media but in reality, in this real world which starts from you, your life and family. Embrace the person for who they are, love the changes and most important, RESPECT a person. We weren’t born with any gender specific roles but as a human being all we can least do to each other is be kind, compassionate and spread peace.

Leave a comment

Just Stop It!

‘Thamel bazar’, ‘Kale Dai’ are recent hits and are quiet catchy too. Bollywood influence, I call it, are the reason why we have all these half naked women dancing around in a song with double meanings. Just a few weeks earlier, I saw a woman (apparently she is an actress) dancing in the song in a cultural program literally with a bra and boyleg on. Her moves were overly sexualised and all the men had gathered around the stage and were cheering, taking her videos. She was excited and was getting all the attention she wanted.

I firmly believe that there is no difference in between any gender but seeing people misinterpreting freedom and right is absolutely upsetting. Yes, human body is all skins and there is nothing sexual unless you choose to think it that way but on saying that, living in a society bounded by values,culture there has to be a fine line between what’s acceptable and what’s not. Showing off your skin explicitly, putting up sexual moves infront of a crowd makes you nothing but an object, something that people look at and pleasure themselves. With movies portraying women dancing amidst drunk men, sexualising themselves, I guess it is normal for commoners to feel it’s normal to portray themselves provocatively. Besides that, the increasing violence in the community, from rape to acid attacks to domestic violence have an indirect/direct relationship to what is fed to us through movies/media. There is a difference between sensual and sexual which we seem to have forgotten and the worse part, all these item songs make it seem that it’s okay to stare at a women’s breast and butt. Not that this is the only cause of the violence in the community but this does add up and encourage corrupt minded people. Being someone who has been inappropriately touched, said things in public, I can say it is very humiliating and the women doing all these item numbers have probably been a prey of it as well. It’s not the matter of clothing, anyone can wear anything but it’s about how we treat others and respect that clearly lacks in those songs and real life.

Maybe all the directors, producers, actors and everyone related should understand their responsibility and present appropriately as people get highly influenced from movies. And with trendsetting movies, Nepalese like never ever become so interested in Nepali movies. Everyone at one point or another gets influenced and it’s totally normal so the people in film fraternity should be able to understand the morality of their influence. Moreover commercial/financial aspect, it would be great if social aspect is highly considered and if they use their platform to advocate for empowerment and change.