I am looking at the chemical reaction that creates Nylon, the thin long thread is pulled out of the solution. It is fascinating but I am losing my touch with reality. I hear words, there are many people in the room talking and some talking to me too but I can’t make sense of anything that’s happening anymore.
My mind becomes completely blank. I turn the pages to look for something I read few seconds ago and can’t remember. I ask people to repeat because I cannot make sense of what they are saying and after all that, all I hear are words. I refrain myself from saying anything because I forget words, I forget what I am talking about. It is frustrating and very annoying because it feels like I am in a completely different world where I am confused about my own identity. It feels more like a dream, dream I am seeing with my eyes wide open.
Confused, scared, irritated, it feels like I am losing my mind. I try hard to connect all the pieces together to come back and then suddenly, I sneeze. I come back and try understanding what just happened with little to no memory of that phase and break down in tears. It’s not pretending, it is not an excuse but a scary reality where even ‘I’ am not there for myself.
(Dissociation is different from people ignoring/avoiding to certain things or people. It is more of an involuntary avoidance that happens when one loses touch with reality and goes on a flight mode. It is very scary and confusing state to be at and def not something people do on purpose.)