mero sano sansar

I explore.


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Dissociation

I am looking at the chemical reaction that creates Nylon, the thin long thread is pulled out of the solution. It is fascinating but I am losing my touch with reality. I hear words, there are many people in the room talking and some talking to me too but I can’t make sense of anything that’s happening anymore.

My mind becomes completely blank. I turn the pages to look for something I read few seconds ago and can’t remember. I ask people to repeat because I cannot make sense of what they are saying and after all that, all I hear are words. I refrain myself from saying anything because I forget words, I forget what I am talking about. It is frustrating and very annoying because it feels like I am in a completely different world where I am confused about my own identity. It feels more like a dream, dream I am seeing with my eyes wide open.

Confused, scared, irritated, it feels like I am losing my mind. I try hard to connect all the pieces together to come back and then suddenly, I sneeze. I come back and try understanding what just happened with little to no memory of that phase and break down in tears. It’s not pretending, it is not an excuse but a scary reality where even ‘I’ am not there for myself.

(Dissociation is different from people ignoring/avoiding to certain things or people. It is more of an involuntary avoidance that happens when one loses touch with reality and goes on a flight mode. It is very scary and confusing state to be at and def not something people do on purpose.) 

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Jwai-saheb

The day my parents met my partner, they made it clear he wasn’t being called ‘Jwaisaheb, hajur-aaiso,gaiso’ and won’t be given all that special treatment that somehow feels superficial. First, he was no different from me and my sister to them and second, why was it so important to treat him any special? He was overjoyed because that is what he wanted and their points were valid. Little did we know, it was just our family who was aware enough to let go of few practices that were not too relevant in today’s world.

I come from a place where son-in-laws are still treated like god. And in today’s world I find it absolutely ridiculous when people feel the need to give someone so much respect and attention for NOTHING. Yes, having a penis and getting married is not an achievement. Back in the days, the fear that the daughter wouldn’t be treated nicely or would be abandoned was probably one of the reason as why son-in-laws were treated special. With dowry practices which still prevails regardless of the highly educated generation and no-we-dont-want-anything-but-we-want-it-all thoughts; the deep-rooted outcomes are often evident in people among low socio-economic conditions because we fucking educated ones have no guts to talk against it in real world. There are many underlying issues like marital rape, death threats and such which we don’t feel the need to understand because that’s not happening with us and rather choose to carry forward everything that has been passed on when we have that power, voice and awareness enough to stop things that doesn’t do any good to the society we live in.

The difference in regards to gender that we have engraved in our minds and all these practices may never really affect our personal lives but thinking a little beyond that or what if our loved ones become a victim of it and all little things as such helps bring the change we aspire to see. Respect is not something to be forced, it should be given to those who deserve and one needs to earn it.  And when its so easier to call daughter-in-law by their names why is hard to call son-in-law the same?


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Feel the feelings

We have our emotions stuck in a notion of happiness. There is nothing wrong in being happy but unfortunately, it does have other friends who are part of our life. As I write this, the movie ‘Inside Out’ is playing in my head and I am picturing all those characters in my words. It is one of those movie which is just as informative to adults as the children.

I have experienced emotions in both spectrums, from highest to lowest. It sucks to feel either of those but there is something that can be done to help manage emotions. We celebrate happiness but if we are sad, angry, upset, and many other range of feelings, we are often asked to forget and move on. We are never taught as children to manage our emotions and as an adult, it interferes so much in our life. While I was going through depression, I was asked by many to feel positive and be happy. I totally understand they were trying to help but then, I was basically an empty person who had little to no interest in life or anything. But there were few, who asked me to try embracing my feelings and reminded we don’t require anyone’s validation to feel.

Embracing emotions sounds easy but is a struggle in reality. It takes sometime to understand and actually implement it in life. It is important to accept and embrace our emotions but we should be wary to not let it take over us. From my personal experience, the more we run away from our emotions, the harder it makes for us to get out if it. I believe it is must to understand that it is absolutely okay to feel whatever we are feeling and that, we are meant to. If we were to only feel happy, I doubt our life would be interesting and surprising the way it is now. There are days when I feel bad, whether it is because of someone else or just myself but at those times I don’t question myself, I don’t prove myself anything in my head but rather accept that I am feeling bad for whatever reason that is. Expressing ourselves never makes us bad or loser but is a perfect way to healing and understanding ourself in daily life.

Bottom line, the less we feel the need to validate our emotions, the better it is for ourselves and everyone around. All these emotions helps us express ourself. On saying that, this writing in no way encourages to chase after negative emotions but rather practise on understanding ourselves better. Let all those feelings come and just feel it and lets stop reacting against it.

emotions(Source: Google Images)


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‘After the rain, comes the sun’

After a long time, the doctor finally validated the reason behind my suffering. It has been quiet an adventure. I had no hope that I would make it out of that dark place but like a little child who refuses to give up when s/he is learning to walk, I did the same. Mental illnesses are very scary. They take away your identity, they make you numb and helpless. It all started with a panic attack, then anxiety, depression, impulsivity at its peak and the reason behind that, Bipolar Disorder.

My mind would be on a constant run making my life so miserable and myself impatient. There were times when I attempted self harm, it wouldn’t be wrong to say suicide. It got to a point when I had destructive thoughts not limited to myself. The burden was so heavy and with that constant race of thoughts in my head, even breathing was an effort.I was bombarded with preconceived vague assumptions about the reason behind my illness but there were few who stood by me regardless my sick self and supported me which was what I needed the most then.

I am gathering the mess my life has been bits by bits and today, I stand with courage in the face of mental illness with all the support I can afford/have. Honestly speaking, I no longer feel those few years were the darkest period of my life, in fact I think about that time over and over again. It has changed me as a person, has made me kind, non-judgemental and a bit too much emotional. It has made me appreciate life, the beautiful things around and most importantly has taught me to be a nice human being.

I have come to an acceptance after a long time that it was there, it went out of control which is when it got diagnosed and finally after that part of struggle, it is manageable but it will always be there. I read it once somewhere,’ everything will be more than okay’ and since then, it has been my mantra. It feels surreal because I don’t know how and when but somehow everything started getting back into the track and here I am today saying it aloud to everyone out there,’ Never lose hope, everything will be more than okay’.


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Wedding musings

I was waiting for a right time to write this till now. Finally as a graduate I can now (YAYY! for completing a degree). Seeing all these photos of extravagant weddings make me nothing but sad. I am genuinely happy for you but seeing you celebrating ‘the milestone in life’ which you achieved doing nothing just seems pointless. Let’s have a real talk here now, the guy/girl you are marrying is probably the one you were in relationship with or is someone your parents arranged for you to get married to. Yes, being attracted, falling in love and all that dating might have taken some effort but isn’t it normal for people to get attracted to each other? And you automatically do things for them or say for yourself because that makes you feel good. I am not against wedding really, but seeing this unnecessary dramas and expenses in wedding which often leaves parents in debt makes me wonder if that lehenga or jewellery or whatever you wanted so badly is worth anything?

People my age give me this big talk of having a big fat wedding because its once in a while and honestly, I wouldn’t be writing this if you were to spend your hard earned money over spending your parent’s money recklessly. On top of that, I don’t understand why aren’t we celebrating or prioritising real achievements in life, like getting a degree, securing a job that you wanted to, or the promotion you get or the venture you started is successful. Isn’t that the real achievement? You actually have to work off your ass off, without saying day and night to have that result unlike wedding. Yes, weddings are important but instead of wasting money on all that extras and all those things that will hide somewhere in your cupboard for rest of life, can’t we just do something simple? The unnecessary want to show off of who’s got what and ‘I can do better than them’ feeds nothing but negativity in society and the coming generation. And giving all that stress to family for nothing doesn’t make us any good person either.

I might sound like anti-cultural, anti-weddings or whatever but standing up and voicing out for what I believe is wrong, then be it because I won’t probably be shamelessly taking a piece of a furniture as a gift from my parents when I get married. 25 years ago, when my parents got married, my mother was sent off to my father’s home with bed, wardrobe, dressing table and someone I know who got married couple of year back had the same thing. It clearly is a dowry, not a gift. When I opposed to why they were sent off with all those and why didn’t the bride and groom oppose it, I just received an answer that it was important. Seriously, in this age, if I cannot even stick to my own words of being against dowry or simply not being able to afford something as basic as such, that raises a serious question, am I ready to take on responsibility that comes with getting married? The answer is No! In this competitive world, if you don’t even have that source yet to take care of yourself and your family, how can one do for two families?

My thoughts may never resonate to you and I might just be labelled as ‘wanna-be’ but this seriously doesn’t bother me, not even a bit. I believe in celebrating hard work and weddings, birthdays equally not by giving my family a headache and most importantly not doing things to pleasure the world but myself and my loved ones who mean the world to me.

(P.S. I am totally up for wedding anniversaries though because that takes a great deal of time, commitment, compromises to be together.)

 


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Is Nipol even a word?

Another day, another rant!

I have been venting out a lot lately and this time its about the ‘wannabe’ pronunciation. Fortunately, I had the chance to volunteer and spend a year with people from Afghanistan with very little english. I worked as a volunteer teacher and besides the linguistic barrier we had, it was the best time of my life and the experience is something I will never forget.

The first and foremost thing I told was to be themselves while communicating i.e. speak confidently while expressing themselves. I kept reminding them English is our second language and as long as you are morally correct and that someone understands you, it is a great job considering the fact that most of them had never been to school or had dropped out very early. Fluency and being able to communicate properly matters not the fake pronunciation that we do to make us sound nothing but stupid. Pardon me for saying that, for everytime I hear a Nepali saying ‘Nipol’ or ‘Catmandu’, I just don’t understand why do they do that. Yes, you might argue people from other nationalities won’t understand but hey! I haven’t came across a single person who didn’t understand my clear and correct pronunciation for it. The fact is, there is a vast difference in the alphabets, sounds and the way our brain has adapted in process of learning a language which makes it harder for people to correctly pronounce some words. Taking an example of a Chinese surname, Zhang. As a speaker of both Nepali and English I simply say ‘Jhaang’ but in reality its ‘Jaang’ a bit more nasal which is very hard for me. It wasn’t till too long that I said ‘jalapeno’ for jalapeño instead of ‘halapeño’. The main ideation is there are hundreds of languages around the world and it is very normal for people not being able to get it correct the native way. But on saying that, as a native Nepali speaker if I start twisting my tongue around to make my words sound fancy, that is a problem. Embrace the authenticity, accept if you are wrong and most importantly don’t forget this differences is what makes up special.

Bottom line, Nepalese stop making Nepal sound like Nipple!


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Respect teachers, not!

Recently watched a program how a good teacher changes ones life and read a news about how students are punished to death by teachers in Nepal. That made me want to write about all these wonderful (not) teachers I was unfortunately student of in Nepal.

The teachers I have come across in life, minus few who I will remember and respect forever, are nothing but a nightmare. Male teachers touching and holding a girls hand while handing out papers, giving extra marks just because she is a girl to sexually harassing and ridiculing them as an object amongst their peers. Favouritism seems to more inclined towards female teachers that I have come across. To avoid gender stereotype, I will be writing about teachers in general because that is what defines them.

I have been punished many times as a young girl. From asking take off skirt/pants, slaps and what not for a simple mistake of achieving only 80% and forgetting few bits of maths formulae. One of the instances, while I was in Year 12 living in college, few friends and I gathered in room to share some naan/tarkari as there was a power cut off at around 11, out of nowhere a teacher came in and gave us unnecessary punishment of writing answers to some 5 questions and submit by 6 in the morning while he was having good sleep. All of us were awake all night, feeling upset about getting punished. Who on fucking earth punishes some teenagers for eating food in a room? If we were doing drugs or something, yes thats complicated but naan. That is just one example but there are worse. The cultural, societal values surely shapes ones perception but seriously what can we expect in a country where nothing works, one opts to be a teacher. On saying that, not all teachers are same. Infact, I have come across really wonderful teachers in life and they really cared about us as students and were passionate about what they were doing. Anyone can be a teacher really, whether if they do education degree at uni or just join a school like in Nepal but to be a good teacher takes a lot. Don’t punish or ridicule them, there is solution to everything. If these teachers don’t want their own child to be bullied, sexually harassed, ridiculed for being weak and getting punished for nothing, who gives them the right to do the same to others?